You Reap What You Sow
Even when things are desperate the skills we form today will make a better life tomorrow.
I’m going to have to be quick. On day five of a headache with a cyst surpassing the size of a golfball.
(Yeah, it came back. Not fun.)
I have surgery to prep for and a space to move out of but I know that this writing challenge is important to me so I’m writing this article.
Still trying to figure out what has sown the pain, the cyst, the headaches.
Eating the wrong food? A one-way ticket to a humid part of the world? Some missing mineral?
I’ll figure it out. In the meantime, I’m thankful for the pain management I learned years ago.
I don’t take painkillers and while today’s pain is intense I know how to adjust to it, to feel its edge, the parts of the body that aren’t in pain, the parts of self that can simply observe the red fire.
Occasionally the headache flares, something pulses in the neck and I lose it for a moment but for the most part, I’m able to sit and contemplate the sowing of things.
The things we learn during our trials add up.
I’m not new to suffering.
I spent the majority of my life in a deep depression. I’ve gone manic and ruined everything. I know my share of trauma and I’ve been witness to so much more pain in others than I could ever bare.
What this created in me was a drive to heal, to adapt, to learn.
I studied everything I could get my hands on to reduce suffering, to heal the mind and body.
Most of the time I didn’t have the energy or focus to put it into consistent use. The environment around was chaos. My mind was chaos. Things shifted but here and there they’d click.
I learned walking was good for my mental health and kept doing it. I researched my nutrition and changed it all. I practiced different forms of meditation, self-exploration, writing.
Now I have my written tomes to comfort me, praises and hymns for the darkest times and brightest. I follow my breath. I feel into my body.
I chipped away at the chaos a little bit at a time. Planted a good habit here and there and now, after a decade of really working on myself, I have witnessed one seed after another bring forth good fruit.
The depression has been gone for the last few years. It may flare for a day in the winter but I know what it is.
I can feel my body, no longer disassociated, I know when I’m triggered and I know how to breathe my way through.
Seeds I planted years ago, helping a friend, helping a stranger now bring people to the work I do and the work I do plants seeds for future healing and stability.
When we’re going through the dark times of life, it may feel overwhelming and the tools we collect may not seem like enough but they pile up.
We pull one weed at a time, plant one seed at a time and a decade later life is different. We are different. The crops we planted are ready for harvest. The fields are tended and we can look forward to sowing more good fruit.
Love and share.
I’m starting something new. Writing every day as I put my random thoughts on binary paper.
If you’d like to join me on this journey you can sign up for my email list here.
