Something is Holding Me Back.
How to resolve unconscious blocks.
I haven’t been all that inspired lately. I’ve been trying to make room for the fact we all have down times but I think I just realized the undercurrent at play.
Ironically that’s the opposite of the article I had intended to write today. How there isn’t always an “unconscious block” some things just take time.
I’m going to write that article one of these days but for now I want to do some observing about what an unconscious block looks like and how it affects us.
Right now for me it looks like:
- Lack of energy
- Lack of motivation
- Escapist tendencies
- Obsession
I’ve also experienced unconscious blocks as depression, mania, anxiety, addictive binging and I’ve seen it as eruptions of anger in others, a touchiness, and sometimes a triggering.
It may sound like a list of every emotional state and in a way it is.
The unconscious acts out in a wide variety of ways, the proof of it being there isn’t so much in the symptom as it is in the process to root out what’s beneath the symptom.
That’s what this is, my own exploration of an unconscious block as a lived example.
Start with the basics.
Any time we’re looking at a behavior and trying to figure out its roots it’s a good idea to take a look at the simple answers.
This helps us with two details of self-development.
- It provides the simplest solutions.
- It keeps us from escaping into larger narratives that can get in the way of our actual development.
It’s winter and I’m tired. That’s natural and I’m hearing the same story from plenty of other people.
While there may be more at play, taking a look at this simple fact informs me that this won’t be my experience forever (seasons change), I’m not simply being lazy, and I’m in the norm for my experience.
Also, while I feel like I’m not doing anything, a friend pointed out that I’ve written an article a day for 63 days in a row. A bit of burn out is to expected.
Somehow that has manifested in me researching the building of a character in a tabletop game I will probably never play.
And this is where we can go deeper.
The basics show that I’m tired and a bit burned out so I’m seeking some fun and entertainment.
If I’m being mindful of myself I have to admit I’m obsessing a bit much about this fictional character and game. I’m spending a good amount of time on it and it’s taking up a lot of mental space.
This suggests there is something under the conscious experience fueling the process.
I’m building a character in a fantasy world that blurs the lines between magic and technology (curious chummer?) maybe there’s something more to this than simple escapism.
The trick is to let the obsession continue on (within reason), make room to rest and relax, while observing and learning about what’s going on beneath the surface.
Make observations.
I don’t always games but when I do it borders on addiction.
Once or twice a year, maybe three if there’s a lot of Pisces I’ll get into a game and play for a week or two.
I do it with games. I do it with shows. I do it with books.
There comes a time every couple months where I really want to soak in another world, and I do. . . for a good week or two straight.
What I’ve observed from this behavior is that the games are a bit different than the books or the shows.
In the latter, I am seeking to lose myself in another world. I want to be passive, to simply experience.
When I turn to games the thing that always draws me in is the character creation. I’ll obsess about it.
As I sit and ask “why am I obsessing about this character,” the answer comes that I am trying to create a fictional character because there is an internal block which is inverting my energy from creating my actual self and being my own character.
This isn’t always the case, sometimes it’s just fun but I obsess its evidence that the psyche’s energy is being redirected.
I’ve seen this before. When the world outside dims because I’m just not ready to take on a certain role I go to video games and start to create a new me.
I don’t do it consciously but occasionally I realize what I am actually doing
So what character am I creating?
A mystic adept who wants to travel to the worlds beyond but feels it is more important to stay and make change here.
He’s a shaman type character that involves a lot of intuition and the use of the character as an oracle.
All parts of self that I have been integrating for a while now and yet always feel awkward allowing to shine.
Where does the mind stall?
I had been wondering what was at the heart of this character creation process. It has honestly been running away with me as my mind won’t stop thinking about it.
(That is until writing this article.)
I recognize there was something to do with inverting the need for a mystic identity but the email I just tried to write brought it all home for me.
I’ve had the email on my task list for days but somehow it keeps getting pushed off.
Clearly, there’s a hesitation and I found it particularly present when I tried to type things up today.
Some of my mailing list has come from articles on Medium, many of these are on self-development and science-based tools for growth and healing.
A larger portion has come from the astrology work I do.
Just writing that feels like a coming out and I immediately want to create an apologetics article on how astrology can be a useful symbol system whether or not you believe in it.
The truth of the matter is that I treat it as more than a symbol system and I’ve found it helps me a lot.
In the email, I wasn’t sure what to include.
Do I speak to the people who want more of science and self-development, the ones who might raise a brow to me talking about the upcoming Full Moon? Or do I speak to the people who look to me as an intuitive?
The character I’m creating because I’m too embarrassed to be it on Medium.
This is the tension point, the block, and it’s a familiar one. That’s the thing about unconscious blocks, you can be aware they happen without being aware they’re happening right now.
Where unconscious blocks originate.
This is one of my more mild blocks. I’ve lost a week or two to escapism and I could use the rest anyways.
Thinking about it I realize this is not uncommon for me in January. This is the time of year that this particular block comes up again and again.
Last year it was about whether or not I would start to offer my more esoteric skills to clients and revamp my business.
The year before I launched my business and broke away from my family’s expectations of who and what I should be.
Trump had just been elected so I said f&^# that and came out as queer to the extended family, owned my liberal politics, and started my own business.
The year before that I experienced two weeks of hell with a mixed manic state cycling through every possible emotion until I absolutely lost myself.
I had just gotten back from visiting my family. They think the work I do is the devil’s work and my mind doesn’t respond well to my family’s disappointment.
When things get particularly rough on trips home it’s usually followed by a manic state.
Clearly, there’s a cycle here which is one of the reasons I like astrology because it talks about cycles and whether there is a mysterious force at work or it’s the projection of the unconscious, this symbol of a cycle speaks to the lived experience.
Unconscious blocks occur when there is an internal conflict. Sometimes this is a conflict between two polarities within. In this case perhaps the scientist and the mystic (although I think that was solved last year).
Sometimes the conflict is between what we know we need to do and an expectation we believe is placed upon us. For most of my life that expectation has been my family, right now it’s my email list and the hypothetical millions of Medium readers who could join my list and then leave at the mention of astrology.
Because these conflicts arise in the unconscious they act out unconsciously. This can look like a wide variety of things, odd emotional outbursts, shutting down and avoiding the sending of an email, escaping into another world.
The first step to solving the conflict is to become aware of it and then to find the path that works to either join the polarities or overcome the fear of the expectations.
Looking into the shadows. Identifying the conflict.
The conflict within is the love child of future tripping and a fear of judgment. My fear is that people will see astrology as superstitious and thus dismiss the entirety of my work and ideas.
Just typing that has the apologist going on in my head trying to explain all the rational applications for astrology as a symbol system without necessitating any beliefs in a magic principle.
This inner apologist really wants to stress that this isn’t “wu wu” rationality where a vague understanding of a scientific principle is used to create a pseudoscience, no this is “for realz rational.”
It’s taking everything in me not to launch into the explanation right now which just goes to show the psychological force of this inner conflict. There is a part of me desperately trying not to be misunderstood.
And it’s that part that is going to war with the rest of me that wants to include information from this tradition that has helped me.
If you’re familiar with my articles I draw a lot from the things that have helped me heal and stabilize my mental health. Astrology is one of those things as it provides a lot of context for me and another method to explore the unconscious.
Carl Jung studied astrology and saw it as a useful method for describing the psyche.
But there’s the apologist again. Trying to hide behind a bigger name because he’s worried about being judged when the reality of the situation is that I know my own experience and what it’s done for me.
I’ve also seen how it can help clients and people I know better understand themselves and their loved ones. Since I share the things that help me and my clients through my articles it’s only natural to share these experiences.
Now that I have a good grasp of the conflict I can identify which part is more important to me.
Seeing both sides of the scales.
If this was a matter of balancing dualities like my scientist and magician of years before then I’d have to find a balance point between the two points.
This doesn’t feel like it has as much to do with balance as it does with pressure. I need to asses the conflict, choose the side I want to go forward with, and really clarify why.
The conflict is between my desire to share what has helped me as a peer and my desire to grow a larger audience and community.
At the end of the day I want to make a large impact on this world and I worry that my more esoteric practices and beliefs will reduce my ability to do so.
But wait right there. . . writing this I realize another layer of the conflict that was unconscious to me until just now.
There is a part of me that is moralizing this conflict. It says:
This doesn’t feel like it has as much to do with balance as it does with pressure.
That implies that there’s a right and wrong here. Further, the Ego has already unconsciously made its choice. The image of “pressure” creates a negative association.
Further back in the article, I kept painting one way as better or truer than the other.
As long as it is a matter of share astrology or be afraid not to, it is framed as a moral argument around “authenticity.” We’re programmed to believe that authenticity is the right choice while we demonize the fear. The thing is many people still choose the “nonauthentic” way whether conscious or unconscious of it.
Clearly, the mind has a justification for the other side. It’s not simply the pressure of fear, there is another truth that remains unconscious because the Ego has already made a moral decision.
The Ego sees authenticity as the clearly right answer which puts the opposing concern in the realm of the Shadow; keeping its full development from being seen.
Since the unconscious holds space for all parts of the Self it’s familiar with the opposing concern. When the Ego identifies with the “authenticity” the unconscious balances this with the undeveloped voice of fear, the shadow side of the competing concern or drive.
Conscious ego sees the story as “I want to be authentic but I’m scared, I’m worried other people will judge me. It’s not right to be worried or scared so I should be authentic.”
But when I was writing I accidentally filled out the other concern, the “fear” and it’s not just “fear” it is its own drive, the drive to be seen, to be heard.
It’s a very practical drive that is trying its best to accomplish its goals. By dismissing it and keeping it in the Shadow I make the block unconscious and thus suffer its effect.
I need to acknowledge both sides of this conflict, what their actual concerns are, and then make my choice.
Making a choice in the conflict.
I choose to go with the path of sharing my experiences and esoteric beliefs.
I can’t let myself get away with simply saying “because that’s the right thing to do” because that devalues the other drive that seeks to be seen on a larger scale.
There is a sacrifice happening here even if it’s slight. Others may say “oh but if you’re authentic the crowds are going to come” but that’s not always true and the unconscious knows that.
How many artists have died with their masterpieces in the attic?
I certainly don’t think authenticity leads to obscurity but neither is it a sure fire way to reach the masses.
The portion of myself that fears being seen as superstitious is the shadow side of the portion that wants to be seen.
The part of self that acts as the drive to take my experiences and share them to help others. This is the part that has driven me to write these 63 days in a row as I bounce around islands, go through surgeries, deal with the death of a friend, and small manic and depressive episodes.
This part of my self has worked hard and deserves to be seen by my conscious self as more than a fear monger. He’s got a point and I need to recognize it even as I say I choose to work in a different way.
I’m still going to write articles, I’m still going to reach for the same goal as he is reaching for, I just choose to go with another suggestion from another part of self, one that wants to speak from a place of lived experience.
I choose sharing my story because I have seen how powerful stories are. This isn’t just about the astrology, it’s about being a peer. Talking about my mental health and the things that have helped, opening up and making the esoteric exoteric.
As I write this something shifts inside (thanks by the way for being my couch-side counselor). Now, instead of the voice of the apologist, I hear my inner astrology.
My Sun is in Leo in the fourth house. The fourth house is a very personal, intimate part of our chart, the Sun in Leo is very expressive and wants to be seen.
This is what I am doing here.
The part of my self that wants to be seen has been witnessed, because of this his shadow sides, the fearful email writer and the astrology apologist, are able to give way to the storyteller relating how astrology speaks to them.
This is what happens when we observe and work with our inner realm.
I made my choice, recognized the polarities, bore witness, and gave my reason for why I made the choice. Physically and emotionally I am witnessing my mind and body go from tired, jaded, and uninspired to pretty damn excited.
This practice made an immediate difference.
Methods to overcome an internal block.
- List the basics.
- Look for themes beneath the surface and observe.
- Clarify the conflict.
- Bear witness to both sides and acknowledge their legitimacy.
- Choose how you want to resolve the conflict.
- Explain your choice.
- Take action on this resolution.
What about you?
Is there a place in your life that is stalled?
Is there conflict there? What are the concerns of both sides?
What do you choose?
Love and share.
I’m starting something new. Writing every day as I put my random thoughts down on binary paper.
If you’d like to join me on this journey you can sign up for my email list here. I share thoughts, tips, adventures, and goodies.
