Enchanting Life With Meaning.
Confessions and a day of magic.
I’ve got a confession to make.
I’m still shy about sharing my mystical experiences with people. I was the Christian kid in school everyone thought was really weird for not believing in evolution.
Now I believe in evolution but I also believe in my spiritual experiences that go beyond what science can explain.
I try to make room for both modalities. Hard science with findings that can be repeated in another lab and the Mystery, those moments of wonder and synchronicity that scientific data has yet to explain.
As someone who writes from peer experience, I realize that this shyness is skewing my story and the expectations people have for healing.
I’ve overcome my trauma, my bipolar is well managed without meds, my social anxiety is gone, my codependency is healed.
The application of scientific data has a lot to do with that and I believe the spiritual meaning I find in my lived experiences has, even more so, to do with my mental stability.
True meaning isn’t something we find in a philosophy book or the casual reading of a religious text.
It has to be lived, experienced, a dynamic relationship between the many pieces of self, the world, memory, and our evolving vision of the future.
It’s not a destination, it’s the in between that connects all the various data points; life’s experiences.
This article is my attempt to share my “unscientific” data gathering. The points of syncs and experiences that I interpret as omens and messages.
Today they led me through a better understanding of myself and the inner conflict between the Will to Power and the desire to be a vessel of meaning.
This is a look into my meaning-making process.
Context and low points.
I’m not going to lie the last couple of weeks I’ve been feeling disconnected. I’ll have a low and then a small shift up and expect that shift to last and then I’m just tired again.
I was ok with this for a while because I felt there was a reason for it but when I finally had enough I started to ask “why?”
And not my whiney passive “but why?”
Where I’m not actually searching, just complaining. I already did that, no, last Friday I finally asked my “fuck this I’m done screwing around, what am I avoiding inside?” Why.
The first answer that came up is that I stopped being mindful of my inner world and experiencing it. I had been doing a ton of integration and I got worn out from doing so much processing.
I felt something rising up inside and didn’t have the energy (or the experiences necessary) to process and integrate it.
So I spent a few weeks resting and distracting myself as the odd impulses to watch this or read that slowly gathered the material the unconscious would need to speak to me.
During that time I noticed that my inner narratives shifted and changed from “I’ve got this, it’s just another challenge, another lesson” to “Gods I hope this show is going to be good. I don’t want to look for another one.”
(As I write this a conversation just opened up which is the perfect illustration of what happens when you open up and shift internal gears. More to come.)
I spent some time watching random shows, reading stories, and designing characters. All while paying some lazy attention to the themes that kept coming up.
The Will to Power vs surrender and Taksu.
Themes that dwelt on the difficulties of changing the world for the better, the concepts of power, and being fascinated and corrupted by it.
Correlating with this thematic consumption were several inner brewings and frustrations I have been feeling for a while.
Mostly a frustration with some well-known names who I feel are barely scratching the surface of the human psyche and yet they’re famous for it and held as gurus. When I look into their work I honestly wonder if they’re not doing more harm than good and with some of them I’m sure they are.
Meanwhile, I’ve spent the last few years working like crazy and really struggling financially even though the people I work with all have amazing successes and powerful healing transformations.
We’re talking people with severe depression, bipolar, anxiety, trauma, all turning their lives around in a matter of months or a year when decades of therapy didn’t get them there.
(To be honest, it’s not me. It’s the people and Taksu but we’ll get to that in a bit.)
This last week I’ve felt powerless, constantly debating and challenging these public figures in my head.
All while this dialogue on power and control plays its way through the things I watch, the characters I create, the thoughts of my mind.
This was an exploration of the “Will to Power” and the control it seeks over its environment.
Part of this drive is the desire to have the power (or resources) to do what it needs to do (that’s healthy), part of the drive was a fear of the lack of resources and the desire to control things so as to escape fear by controlling all circumstances (not healthy).
The Will to Power caused an obsessive desire to overcome these public figures with an argument and a show of power.
I also found myself getting frustrated with people I met who are suffering but not working to create change in their lives. All while I was actively stagnating, binging Netflix, and designing tabletop characters.
When I recognized the Will to Power and asked what is its alternative or counterpoint I remembered my states of delight and bliss and the lessons I’ve been receiving on Taksu, allowing the Muse or the Divine to flow through.
The Will to Power seeks to control the world so as to enforce what it believes is a greater vision. It seeks to control because it lacks trust.
Taksu is surrender to a greater vision, trusting it to flow through and do what is necessary in the world.
Recognizing this conflict is what started to turn things around.
It’s a matter of choice.
I had to choose between seeking power and despising those who have it and delighting in the experience of the world and the way life shines through, allowing myself to be a conduit of lived experience.
That’s the trick I think of the creative principle, this idea of Taksu, inspiration shines through you but it isn’t a one-way street. It requires you to recognize the beauty of the world around you and your part to play in it whether the beauty be in comedy or tragedy.
If I want to be a conduit I not only have to be an open channel of the Greater Vision, Taksu, but I have to make space to experience the world, to delight in it without judgment.
No one can play their role well if their minds are actively filled with judgments of the other actors, the stage, the crew, and the audience.
So I was presented with a choice, choose the Will to Power, recognizing that this instance of it rests on a fear of financial ruin as well as the drive to gather the power to make change or open to Taksu and realize that this opening requires me to recognize my fears and Will to Power without judgment.
I chose the latter and prayed to be mindful of the Will to Power within myself and how it shapes my thoughts. I also asked to delight in the world again and to let Taksu flow through.
A day of delight, feeding Taksu.
Yesterday (Tuesday) I found myself delighting in the simplest of things. Two boys playing video games on their phones while chatting about the characters and how cool the game was.
A young girl talking to her parents about veganism and the ups and downs of her relationships with friends. Normally I would have wondered how those video games are affecting social behaviors and neural development.
I admit I asked myself how a low protein diet (she ordered salad and bread) would affect the girl’s neural development before I took a deep breath and just let it be.
When I went to pay for my meal I found myself delighting in the two conversations, so very stereotypical, so very well played, each living their role.
Today when driving with a young friend I listened to his music. It was filled with the same love pining teenage angst as my music was back in the day
I smiled and enjoyed the scene, playing my role as the Witness of Taksu.
I took in delight and that led me to feel more alive.
A reminder of my roots.
When I feel like myself I do research so I started looking into other traditions when suddenly I heard within when looking at a friend’s astrology chart “this is your tradition. The others will teach you tools, ways to see the world but this is yours. These are the ways of your ancestors, the Roman way.”
So I went out and sat with Mars as an aspect of the Mystery (it was Tuesday after all) and realized I haven’t been courting the luminaries lately. I asked for help from the one that overcomes hurdles and challenges.
I also asked for financial help because I recognized that one of the main challenges between me and simply flowing is how fearful I’ve been the last few days about finances.
Then I went to bed because that’s what Mars said to do when I asked how to cultivate my energy and get back in alignment.
My morning of synchronicities.
When I woke up today I knew something was different. I had more energy and focus.
I read a friend’s post saying the Sun is conjunct with Mercury. When I sat with the symbolism of this it seemed well aligned with Taksu.
Mercury is the messenger of the Gods, he bridges the worlds and allows the Gods and inspiration to pass through.
The Sun is the source of life. When personalized it is our life, the way that we shine, our own hero’s journey.
Aquarius is the sign of inventors, seers, poets, prophets, and social outsiders. This is where inspiration strikes and reveals the shadows of society along with the bigger picture.
Mercury eclipsing the Sun as the Sun transits Aquarius symbolizes new doors opening, new conversations occurring, which bring new insights and the ability for life to pour through.
Today is Mercury’s day (Wednesday/Odin’s day in the Germanic) so I asked what I should be doing and heard a “check all your messages.”
(Mercury likes to stay connected.)
I saw a friend’s Instagram post about serving Spirit and our fears of finances.
This is the shaman, Liv Wheeler, who studied in Africa for years and when meeting me told me Mercury and the Gods were with me.
(I hadn’t said anything to her but “hi.”)
I confessed my recent fears and the desire to move from the self-concept of “life coach and entrepreneur” to a more traditional healer/teacher/community leader.
Things started to line up from that moment on.
I went downstairs and there was a bright flower at the base of the stairs that seemed to call my name pointing straight at me.
I instantly knew it would have five petals, a number associated with change (and for me with soul).
I could hear Mercury’s message. “We’re here, we see you. We love you.”
When I sat down to give offerings and placed the flower on my balcony table my partner texted right at that moment.
It came in at our special time: 9:13.
Her number is 9, mine 13.
13 and 5 are the numbers that popped up for me during my mental break down/spiritual breakthrough a decade ago.
I learned later (a day after telling a friend that 13 means to me that the Divine is reaching out to remind me we’re united and I’m loved) that 13 in Hebrew equates to both the words Love and Unity.
During my breakdown 5 became associated with souls as both the Egyptians and Jewish mystics believe in five souls and Hinduism believes in five layers.
Recently I learned that numerology assigns my soul number as a five due to some mixture of my letters and birthday.
My partner said she hadn’t thought of the time when she messaged me. It was 5 pm there.
A decade ago I would have found these syncs to be a stretch at best, crazy talk if I was grumpy.
Now they’re a sign, some extra love and care from the Universe, but it didn’t stop there.
Where loving messages turned into cleared debt.
I opened up a message from a friend sending me some tax information they had gotten for me and discovered that a sizable debt I owed to a bank was forgiven.
I had been conned half a decade ago while in a manic episode, giving away thousands of dollars in one of the oldest checking scams in the book.
Of course, I had no idea how checks work and I was manic so I wasn’t making the most informed choices. That didn’t stop me from wiping out my savings and owing the bank even more.
I didn’t request the debt forgiveness. I figured I’d pay when I had the money but here they are clearing the tally.
The rest of the day was one magic sync after another.
An afternoon of inspiration.
After writing the astrology article I went to go grab lunch from at Soma and do some more work.
When leaving my homestay I noticed the offering today are larger than usual. I wondered if this had anything to do with the magic and reminded myself to ask Mina (our Mother at the homestay).
Turns out it has been a month since Galugan, a festival to honor the gods and the ancestors.
At Soa I wrote up a FB post and did a FB live on the conjunct of the Sun and Mercury and how it relates to Taksu and personal charm.
Then I hopped into Returning to Nature’s Rhythm and we opened up a dialogue on anger and working with it in a healthy way as we set our boundaries and declare our needs.
I was lit with Mercury, delivering messages and receiving my own.
The opening of doors and getting to know a new friend.
When I sat last night with God and the luminaries I also asked to find a local Balian and to have the way opened up to meet the keepers of traditions I’ve felt called to such as Sufism.
At lunch, (while starting to type this email) I talked to the man beside me, the owner of the restaurant who I’ve chatted with before.
I was high on the magic of life, on all the synchronicities and decided I’d ask him if he knows a Balian that speaks English.
Of course, he did, one who speaks great English. He also talked about an American friend who has been studying the religion for the last thirty years. Turns out the owner was born here in Bali but lived most of his life in Jakarta.
He reminded me of my grandpa in a way and with the syncs of today I wasn’t surprised they have the same name.
As he started talking about how Bali opens you up and gives to you what you ask for I asked if he knew any Sufis, and yes, he does. One just moved into a town right next door.
I’ve been searching for people like these for months and yet there’s always been a block of some sort. Today the doors opened.
A drive, a dentist’s office, and the Mystery’s love letters.
On my way to the dentist, I kept seeing number synch after number synch and plenty more throughout the day but I’m going to sound too crazy if I give every detail.
I asked “why the alignment? Why so many messages” and I heard the question “what do you want?”
So I responded with my constant prayer “I want you. I want to serve you in healing, in acting as a catalyst for change. I want to be a vessel for you, I want you to experience the world through me.”
At the dentist’s office, a friend messaged me about a woman talking about aligning with her Higher Self.
The preview flickered onto my screen. I was sitting with my thoughts so I didn’t open it at first but realized I normally back away from the language of “Higher Self.”
It’s not that I don’t believe there is merit to it, the words are simply a turn-off.
I realized in that instant that Taksu was becoming the concept of the “Higher Self” for me without the inner hesitation. The exact thought was “I guess it’s close to Taksu, where something shines through.”
I then remembered my mentor’s description of the Egyptian Ren. One of 5–7 Egyptian souls depending on the dynasty. The soul she said where the divine shines through in a unique way.
That’s when I heard the line on the lobby speakers “I see your true colors shining through.”
“I see your true colors and that’s why I love you.
The universe writes the best love letters. Perfectly timed and punctuated.
I was laughing inside when the next song came on and I heard the answer to my prayer.
“I want to bathe with you in the sea.”
Open, breathing life for the sake of divine experience, bathing in the ocean, grinning in the dentist’s office, an endless dialogue.
I opened my friend’s message and found the following:
Oh wow! That’s all amazing. I was going through so much yesterday. Like the universe was telling me this big important message and I wasn’t quite fully understanding it. The main thing was a quote I found that said something along the lines “I did not come here to teach you. I came here to love you. Love will teach you.” I feel like that’s my Mantra for how to serve but by the end of the day I felt like that was the message from God.
We’ll leave the day at that.
Life, our experience of the Mystery, is a dialogue.
No dialogue truly ends. A conversation may stop for the night but it carries on in our heads, it affects the words we use with others, the narratives in our minds.
It gets passed on through us to others who strike up the same conversation in their heads, with their loved ones, in their prayers and journals.
Synchs, signs, omens, these are a dialogue.
They’re the things that enchant life with meaning.
Meaning is a dialogue, one we’re having with the world, with the Mystery, with our breath, our life, our lived experience.
I want to challenge you today to open up a conversation.
Before you go to bed talk to your self, your unconscious, anima/animus, Higher Self, God/Gods/Goddesses, your Atman, Buddhi Nature, Ori, Daemon, Angel, whatever it is you identify as an ear to the Mystery.
Talk about your struggles, ask for guidance, if you find a conflict within, identify the drives and fears of both sides.
My Will to Power fears poverty, obscurity, and a world that won’t change its self-destructive ways. Its drive is to gather the resources to make a change.
My Will to Taksu (to open up to divine flow) also has a fear, it doesn’t want to play the well-intentioned villain, the visionary turned tyrant. It’s a role like any other but it’s one I don’t want to play.
The Taksu drive is to open up to a new way of being that can inspire without having to conquer and control.
We have to see the fear and the drive of both sides, its light and shadow, so that nothing goes unheard, unseen, lurking beneath. When we recognize all parts then we can choose.
I choose Taksu.
If you find a conflict within, observe it, acknowledge it and offer it up. Declare what you choose and ask help for making that happen.
Then, the next day, look for signs and when you can confess your fears to a loved one, a friend who can hold space. (Good, healthy, supportive space.)
Tell them your vision for change.
Mine is to shift from the uncomfortable pairing of life coaching & businessman to the living of myself as a Taksu healer/catalyst/visionary/vessel.
Tell your fears and your vision then open yourself up to follow the signs and continue on the dialogue through your day and life.
The friend acts as eyes and ears for that same Mystery. They’re a witness and need be nothing more.
If you want to brainstorm with them great!
If you want them simply to witness tell them first so they know how to best aid you and if you like you can tell them this story or share this article.
Then, if they like, you can act as a witness for them. No judging, no “critical thinking,” just allowing the Eyes and Ears of existence to witness through you.
May you and your loved ones be blessed!
Love and share.
If you’d like to join me on this journey of experience you can sign up for my email list here. I share thoughts, tips, adventures, insights, and goodies.
And if you really loved this article clap away and share it!
